June 27, 2013

2 Months Later

Last post was kinda dramatic. But today's will be cut short. I'll surely get back to patch things up to where I ended up on my last entry. Right now's going on smoothly. I'm just glad that I didn't had to lose him back then.

April 26, 2013

Losing Again?

And the moon is high up there. Maybe I'm really experiencing my full moon syndrome again. And hell I was right. I don't know but full moons have always been a critical time for me each month. Though this one's just a personal belief but I still keep myself cautious of what's going to happen.

But reading from my previous post, a lot had already happened. Last week I was all over with my friends, but now I'm sulking at work having less interaction with the world. Yes, I was the one who decided this but inside me, fear is starting to grow. If this continues, I'll be experiencing another familiar situation, me fading. So ironic but I find this easier than taking a risk to reconnect without knowing if a hand is still willing to grab mine. #DramaOverload

Damn, my blog's being itself again because of these kinds of entries.

I just hate it when I'm on the verge of losing another close friend again. It has always been a big deal but I was always on the losing end for not making a way to at least prevent it from happening. Why am I even thinking about this? Because this has always been a thing with me. It may look like I'm not good when it comes with keeping them but it's the thought of them leaving that hurts me and the feeling of pain is the one that keeps me from going back on that cycle.

But still I take chances, with other people that I get to befriend. I'm not anymore hoping for a happy ending in those romantic relationships knowing that there will always come a time for a fall-out, something that my ex had engraved deep in my heart. So at least I'm trying my best to somehow be a part of something that most people say that lasts, friendship. But reality bites, even that has its ending.

I don't know really, I'm fine with me being solitary... or maybe not.

April 22, 2013

Shutting Off

Getting too comfortable with someone has always been a bad habit of mine which had really caused me to get into an argument with those people I got close with. And this time, you guessed it right. Something similar happened again. Weekend was fun, Manila Ocean Park on Saturday then we got invited to have a Sunday swim with our friend's family outing. But this happy weekend ended sourly.

He gets mad, I said sorry on my most normal self, he walks away. My friends went to eat, I bought mine, my friends bought his. Still mad, telling that he won't eat. Thinking that he needs it as he needs to take his med as well but still gave his food away. A little later, came near to get his food, maybe because our friend got irritated of him not eating, but still made the angry scene blaming me of why he's getting mad. I could normally ignore this if this was someone I don't really care about. Someone like a stranger or an acquaintance. But this one's different. This one's been a friend for almost years now. And because of what happened  I might have made myself believe that he will never get to understand and accept the me that I've been showing them. So at the end, I myself got mad after thinking of how I am supposed to react that time. Acting the same would only make me look like I don't give a damn. Being mad would also give the impression that "Who gave him the right to be mad where he was even the one who caused this to happen." But still I chose the latter. I got mad because I'm also affected. One moment we're all having fun then the next thing we know I've already being blasted with all those anger. I understand that we're all tired, he's sick and he needs to rest but does he really need to use that stunt to get rid of his piled up temper?

I admit that I might have become too naive to have made all these things too complicated for the two of us. And so maybe, I'll just have to go a couple of steps back to just let it all end here.

But my understanding is only limited to what I can only grasp. What in the hell was on my GM that ticked him off so bad that he has to stare at me with glaring eyes. Of all those what's already been sent, he really did made his way to make me feel that he's furious about the very last one. How did he even interpreted that message? That I don't know. Putting that up with me isn't really something new to me. I've been in several situations, even the bullying part which even my parents didn't knew when I'm still at school. I might look physically weak but I'm not anymore on that level inside. What steamed me up is the fact that for the nth time, I was put in a spot where I couldn't get the truth behind all this.

I don't understand why people can't say it straight to me what went wrong considering that they are friends. I'm too complacent for me to change what's happening around me. But when it's me who caused that change at least tell me what's wrong so that I'll know what to prevent myself of doing it again. Because what usually happens is that I shut myself up and just let it all be even if that means not moving forward. Maybe that's why I haven't really considered being in a real relationship after this long 6 years if I may add.

So I guess this is me shutting off. Maybe it's also a good time for me. No events, no meet-ups. Just do work and let myself be with me again. It's just too ironic that the situation I brought up before happened to occur not with the person who we're expecting it to be. But still it's gonna happen now. So it's back to me and them.

April 14, 2013

Almost A Year

I know that there's nothing to worry but still there are times that I just really don't know what to feel. One second I'm happy, another second I get tired, then lonely.

It's the time of the year again, Ozine Fest. I should really be excited and glad to become a part of it again but this time's different. I might have said this before that I am going to take some break off the events last year because of what happened. A couple of these events came by but this one's really on a different scale.

Baggage counter. It's a part of the event where I think everything started. I don't know but somehow, it became evident that I still really have a grudge on that very tiny area.Though I already had Kuhn, together with these 3 other girls, manage it but still, the feeling really do lingers.

I asked Rye to be a part of the event again. But I'm not yet sure if this one's a good idea. This time really is not anymore the same with how we get to enjoy the event. There's this awkwardness between him and the rest of the people who knew. And this really hurts me thinking that I was somehow responsible of putting him into that spot.

From time to time, we get to have some short and casual talk but there isn't a perfect time for me to be able to express what I really wanted to say. For starters, of course apologizing comes in first. As what I've said, I'm partially responsible of what happened in terms of the bond that we still have together with the rest of the group. I always remember him being part of the kulitan moments of the event. But the one who is with us right now is more like the aloof type.

You could say that I'm really bothered and worried at the same time but isn't it normal to feel this way after being able to see each other for the longest time? Though I really don't have the slightest idea if he still cares to talk about everything that happened.

Then I've read our last serious talk on Facebook and damn how I acted that time. Though I really can't blame myself to act that way because of the situation that I've been through. But if I was on his place, I'd somehow understand why he'll be like this now.

And there's this girl who keeps reminding me of the other person who's involved in this too complicated story. I'm kind of being resistant to be approaching or being close to her even though I know that I will be comfortable talking to her. But this same thing actually happened before, I gave in and even thought that she can be my friend, but in the end, I never thought that she'll be the reason my friendship with Rye would almost be severed. And wanna know the truth? It's the second time that this same situation happened. A girl being the reason of having my friendship being almost over.

But one thing's still at the back on my mind, "Maybe they really never ended and just had it feel like everything's done." 

So aside from that, part of my previous post is about my part-time job that I'm supposed to do 4 hours each day. This week's not really that generous of giving me some spare time. I got these 4-days event with Ozine and doing the job is really getting hard knowing that I still need to do my full-time job. Because of that, I am now facing 10 more hours deficit on the minimum hours that I need to complete until.. today, since it's already Sunday. This one here is also giving me emotional stress which I hope I can still handle. I'm afraid that the project might be pulled out from me and I'm going to be back from looking for a new one again.

April 10, 2013

Too Many Thank You

There are just a lot of things to thank of lately. I just can't even start to count!

But what's made me so happy is the opportunity that I got to work at home even for a part time job and on a flexible schedule! 4-5 hours a day whenever I'm free as long as I complete the 30 hours minimum per week! This was something that I was hoping to get when I was on my bum years like 2 years ago. But now that it came in, am I not going to grab that? It's going to be a great chance for me to receive real income and I have already started working on an assignment since Sunday. Though I actually do have a professional job but living for the day is different from actually earning.

What just happened made me go back to my goals on what to achieve. To discipline myself even more for me to be able to do things smoothly. I won't be letting go of this chance and that's what I'm gonna work on really hard.

Though since I have a full-time day-shift job, plus the 4-5 hours which I can render after work, this would mean less time for social life. I even wasn't able to go with them to watch the Naruto Shippuuden on Megamall yesterday. I hope they understand my sudden "absence" but I just need to endure this for a couple of weeks more, until I get to earn enough to buy myself a laptop which I just can bring anywhere together with the part-time job that I have now.

So there goes one of my short-term goal! ^^