No

i really don't know how to react on this..

my mom might be having another child..

i dunno if i'll be happy and excited.. or the other way around..

went home yesterday.. and there was mum at home.. we were talking, together with a cousin, about what happened to our neighbor who happened to had a new born child who only lasted for a day.. i really felt sad.. about what happened to the baby.. but later on.. mum told me that i shouldn't worry coz maybe by october.. there will come a new baby at home..

shocked.. really..

i hate to admit this but.. i don't want her to bear another child anymore.. we were four.. and now three.. and the youngest is almost on his way to college.. then now she's gonna tell me that she have to be going to an OB to have it be checked.. wth!

of all what happened to us.. in our family.. i've always been in her side.. though i know that she did some mistakes too.. but then though were not staying together now.. i can't really get mad at her after all what happened.. but this time.. i made it clear to her that i don't want another sibling again.. no way! well yeah.. she may be having one.. but never expect me to treat the child as someone whom i can call as a part of the family..

i know i may be too harsh on this but.. i'm still on this stage of accepting things why everything turned out this way.. not yet really been healed.. coz til now.. i am carrying all this responsibilities which i shouldn't be having yet now! then all of the sudden another story's going to happen that will surely affect our family again?!

no offense to my half siblings coz this is certainly a different case.. an unaccepted one..

i've been controlling myself yesterday morning.. coz i don't want her to worry that much.. i even gave my reactions in a lighter way.. everything in my jokes.. but all of those were real.. and i mean it.. one thing that really comes into my mind is the time when we found that to be a positive.. and is to be known to my other siblings.. i'm pretty sure.. the next person to me that will really be mad is my sister..

waah.... i hate this but i really still don't know how i'll be going to deal with this.. my cousin surely has her point.. the moment that we found everything true.. and the time when the child is out.. maybe my hard as a rock stone towards what i knew will turn into a very soft one for the child.. i dunno..

i really dunno..