After what I had on my previous post.. I think, something is really going to change.
I dunno how to assess myself anymore. As I can see it now, I'm still trapped with my past as if everything just happened yesterday which makes the feeling still fresh and I think I am really loosing part of my identity.
I don't know how to act or even face everything now. I know, all of these happenings now are all my fault. Unconsciously, I am making things hard for me which makes me the only one being hurt in the end.
I'm surprised to know that until now, the message that I made last July 7 last year is still saved on my phone. It was the I think the day before I was single again.
"An end into something must not be taken literally..
Behind that word lies something deeper.
It is something to hold on..
It is something that will make you feel that you're still alive.
It may be hard to start life again..
But this will be the measure of how tough you had become.
An end is just a beginning of something new.
Maybe its time to make a new chapter.."
But look at me now, for almost a year now, had I become any tougher? Had I even started making a new chapter? As clearly as you can see now, answer to both questions is a big NO!
I'm too weak to face the truth and to move forth. Still, deep down I'm expecting.. shocked that things really went like this.. and still hurting..
Now, after being silent to what I really feel.. this is me without the mask. I posted this not to ask for sympathy. Some of you may even think that its too much for me to react over such things that was already been ended long ago. I can't blame you, that's what you think. But you can't also blame me coz none of you understands what I've been going through.
Things can't be reverted back now, I know. But the future for me is still blurry. I'm afraid that I might end up with someone whom I'll just be hurting in the end. I'm afraid that i may not be able to give what's needed on a relationship by then.
I know that I should just have to be happy that things happened. I still can remember the first Red Ribbon Cake that he brought me with these two stuffed toys that we named Churi and Choko and was later on been joined with Cholo. On how he really liked this Mango Cake that he is always buying. The quick kiss on the stairs, on our way to Chowking and while at a tricycle. On how we choose what gifts to give to his pamangkin, ate and his mom. The pair of shoes that he gave me when my shoes wore off. The times when we are playing with Terdy. Doing cross stitches together even though until now I haven't finished my small piece yet. On how he was washing my clothes every weekend that sometimes makes his mood go bad. On how we plan for the next week's expenses even though there's nothing left for us to spend. On how we lend each other's strength in times of having problems. The shirt that he and Terdy gave me on my birthday even though I didn't really noticed right away that it was already hanging in front of me. When we go out to check some Polos on sale. On how he became good on cooking his Adobo. On how he promised me that he will take care of me no matter what. Those warm hugs that he's always ready to offer when there's a lot of tears that I need to cry out. On how he gets mad on things that are at mess and not properly cleaned. The phrase.. "Mi" that I always hear from him and "Di" as I call him. On how we both decided to get a phone on plan. On how the song "More than words" became part of us. The happiness that I felt after that Out of Town trip. On how I say thank you whenever I feel like lazy washing the dishes. On how he has to clean my nails whenever that he does. On how he always want to sleep on the bed on the floor. On how I am feeling secure whenever he's there. On how we eat pancit canton together and the Gardenia bread that is always on stock.
All of these and a lot more that I can still remember.. are not anymore to happen again. That's why I decided to post it here, atleast I can always remember these memories the time when I'm about to forget. Remembering all these can really still make me cry. I hate it but I really have to accept that all these already ended almost a year ago.
I dunno how to assess myself anymore. As I can see it now, I'm still trapped with my past as if everything just happened yesterday which makes the feeling still fresh and I think I am really loosing part of my identity.
I don't know how to act or even face everything now. I know, all of these happenings now are all my fault. Unconsciously, I am making things hard for me which makes me the only one being hurt in the end.
I'm surprised to know that until now, the message that I made last July 7 last year is still saved on my phone. It was the I think the day before I was single again.
Behind that word lies something deeper.
It is something to hold on..
It is something that will make you feel that you're still alive.
It may be hard to start life again..
But this will be the measure of how tough you had become.
An end is just a beginning of something new.
Maybe its time to make a new chapter.."
But look at me now, for almost a year now, had I become any tougher? Had I even started making a new chapter? As clearly as you can see now, answer to both questions is a big NO!
I'm too weak to face the truth and to move forth. Still, deep down I'm expecting.. shocked that things really went like this.. and still hurting..
Now, after being silent to what I really feel.. this is me without the mask. I posted this not to ask for sympathy. Some of you may even think that its too much for me to react over such things that was already been ended long ago. I can't blame you, that's what you think. But you can't also blame me coz none of you understands what I've been going through.
Things can't be reverted back now, I know. But the future for me is still blurry. I'm afraid that I might end up with someone whom I'll just be hurting in the end. I'm afraid that i may not be able to give what's needed on a relationship by then.
I know that I should just have to be happy that things happened. I still can remember the first Red Ribbon Cake that he brought me with these two stuffed toys that we named Churi and Choko and was later on been joined with Cholo. On how he really liked this Mango Cake that he is always buying. The quick kiss on the stairs, on our way to Chowking and while at a tricycle. On how we choose what gifts to give to his pamangkin, ate and his mom. The pair of shoes that he gave me when my shoes wore off. The times when we are playing with Terdy. Doing cross stitches together even though until now I haven't finished my small piece yet. On how he was washing my clothes every weekend that sometimes makes his mood go bad. On how we plan for the next week's expenses even though there's nothing left for us to spend. On how we lend each other's strength in times of having problems. The shirt that he and Terdy gave me on my birthday even though I didn't really noticed right away that it was already hanging in front of me. When we go out to check some Polos on sale. On how he became good on cooking his Adobo. On how he promised me that he will take care of me no matter what. Those warm hugs that he's always ready to offer when there's a lot of tears that I need to cry out. On how he gets mad on things that are at mess and not properly cleaned. The phrase.. "Mi" that I always hear from him and "Di" as I call him. On how we both decided to get a phone on plan. On how the song "More than words" became part of us. The happiness that I felt after that Out of Town trip. On how I say thank you whenever I feel like lazy washing the dishes. On how he has to clean my nails whenever that he does. On how he always want to sleep on the bed on the floor. On how I am feeling secure whenever he's there. On how we eat pancit canton together and the Gardenia bread that is always on stock.
All of these and a lot more that I can still remember.. are not anymore to happen again. That's why I decided to post it here, atleast I can always remember these memories the time when I'm about to forget. Remembering all these can really still make me cry. I hate it but I really have to accept that all these already ended almost a year ago.
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