Getting too comfortable with someone has always been a bad habit of mine which had really caused me to get into an argument with those people I got close with. And this time, you guessed it right. Something similar happened again. Weekend was fun, Manila Ocean Park on Saturday then we got invited to have a Sunday swim with our friend's family outing. But this happy weekend ended sourly.
He gets mad, I said sorry on my most normal self, he walks away. My friends went to eat, I bought mine, my friends bought his. Still mad, telling that he won't eat. Thinking that he needs it as he needs to take his med as well but still gave his food away. A little later, came near to get his food, maybe because our friend got irritated of him not eating, but still made the angry scene blaming me of why he's getting mad. I could normally ignore this if this was someone I don't really care about. Someone like a stranger or an acquaintance. But this one's different. This one's been a friend for almost years now. And because of what happened I might have made myself believe that he will never get to understand and accept the me that I've been showing them. So at the end, I myself got mad after thinking of how I am supposed to react that time. Acting the same would only make me look like I don't give a damn. Being mad would also give the impression that "Who gave him the right to be mad where he was even the one who caused this to happen." But still I chose the latter. I got mad because I'm also affected. One moment we're all having fun then the next thing we know I've already being blasted with all those anger. I understand that we're all tired, he's sick and he needs to rest but does he really need to use that stunt to get rid of his piled up temper?
I admit that I might have become too naive to have made all these things too complicated for the two of us. And so maybe, I'll just have to go a couple of steps back to just let it all end here.
But my understanding is only limited to what I can only grasp. What in the hell was on my GM that ticked him off so bad that he has to stare at me with glaring eyes. Of all those what's already been sent, he really did made his way to make me feel that he's furious about the very last one. How did he even interpreted that message? That I don't know. Putting that up with me isn't really something new to me. I've been in several situations, even the bullying part which even my parents didn't knew when I'm still at school. I might look physically weak but I'm not anymore on that level inside. What steamed me up is the fact that for the nth time, I was put in a spot where I couldn't get the truth behind all this.
I don't understand why people can't say it straight to me what went wrong considering that they are friends. I'm too complacent for me to change what's happening around me. But when it's me who caused that change at least tell me what's wrong so that I'll know what to prevent myself of doing it again. Because what usually happens is that I shut myself up and just let it all be even if that means not moving forward. Maybe that's why I haven't really considered being in a real relationship after this long 6 years if I may add.
So I guess this is me shutting off. Maybe it's also a good time for me. No events, no meet-ups. Just do work and let myself be with me again. It's just too ironic that the situation I brought up before happened to occur not with the person who we're expecting it to be. But still it's gonna happen now. So it's back to me and them.
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