Am I Bad?

I'm beginning to believe that, I'm loosing friends because I'm becoming so bad..

It's like, what I've become was the worst for some people. And now I'm wondering, is this still the real me? Or maybe, it's really hard for them to accept the kind of me that I've become.

Last week I watched Kimi ni Todoke's 4th episode, Rumors. This just really got me that I have to blog it out. Misunderstanding became its theme, And Sawako's character gave me a view from a different perspective.



I don't know if I can still be called as their friend. How long has it been? 2 months? almost 3 months? I'm already less of a friend to them and is just a mere someone who's scared to make new friends again.

"You change for 2 reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to"

I would rather go for the latter. I didn't intend to disappoint those people around me of who I have become but what appears to me now is that, I've become the worst person that they had had and the only way for them to avoid me is to leave me behind.



Now my own version of misunderstanding comes in. Is it for me that they left me behind, or is it for them? Is it for me that they left without any notice for me to feel less hurt or is it they left me behind to lessen the burden that I'm giving them? Everything was so sudden, everything happened without me knowing it. Fate just really made things so twisted that there were not a single word was said.

Now, time flew well that only air fills the gaps between what's suppose to be filled by them. I'm now scared, and even more scared to look at them, because I might just get another turn away look from them. Because from that very moment, when I was making a smile ready, all I've got was that kind of look from her, and that just ended everything up for me. It's like I've got no choice but to accept that they had already been moving on without me, that they have nothing more to ask because they already have everything. So what's left for me to do is to become civil, to act professionally as if I was new on that job, putting all those 3 yrs hidden and to make a new experience of me being alone.

Then just a while ago, I watched Seitokai no Ichizon's 5th episode which is all about who people are when they are living on their private life. This now really made me pity on myself because this episode just made me realize that there were already a lot of things that they went through which I am not anymore aware of, making me not just less, but not anymore to be considered as a friend.



I see them almost everyday at work, but to how I see them there is so far away from how they really were if it's just themselves alone. Then more than that, you're left guessing. It's just really so far different on just seeing them than knowing personally what these guys were doing for the past 3 months.



What I'm pointing out is that, I'm not anymore worthy to make myself aware of what's going on with them. I'm already less of a friend, and the worst person in the kind of place that I am now. All I just have now is the composure that I've been building up not to break down.

And then as i was writing this, I'm hearing "Heal the World" from our neighbor. So is fate doing something tricky again?

Soon, one of them is moving in to our team and I know the gap between us will be causing some hindrance at work, but this doesn't make me regret of recommending him in. I'm not going to cause him any bad anyway, so rest assured, I'm not planning on causing you burden. And anyways, I think you already made it clear that tasks should be separated, right? I know that it must be that way, but that just gave me a slap on my face. I don't like this to get so personal but I know ever since in college, I've already been giving you headaches, so maybe it's better this way. You'll do your way, I'll do mine.